#146. Veronica Valli: How Culture Influences Drinking and Social Norms?

​Discover More

Discover more is a show for independent thinkers by independent thinkers. Today's conversation will explain the internal realities that lead to alcohol usage and why drinking is often a cultural commitment. Veronica Valley is a published author, alcohol recovery expert, and the co host of the award winning podcast Soberful.

The Real Story of Drinking

Bernoir: I've been sober close to 23 years. We've normalized what is actually abnormal drinking. Alcohol problem shows up internally years before it shows up externally. It's not the not drinking, it's the personal development that it forces you to do.

White Workers and Their Drinking

People associate productivity with level of health or lack of addiction. Addiction is often manifestation of something deeper. It's different for white people than it is for people of color. White people have a lot less consequences for being externally binge drinking.

How to Deal with Emotions in Your Life

How we feel is the most important thing. But many of us typically are not raised in an environment where taking care of our feelings and emotions is role modeled. As a culture we're leaning towards stealing the struggle from people. It's not that they're incompetent or they lack willpower, it's that they just don't have adequate skills.

Coming to AA: The Resistance

When I told people I don't drink, they say, oh, good for you, man. Why don't you just moderate all these probing happens? I can't tell you the amount of people I eliminated from my life once I realized alcohol is not the bridge anymore.

Getting sober: The battle against alcohol

I got sober almost 23 years ago and it sounds like not much has changed. As a culture, we have been conditioned to believe that alcohol is the best vehicle to the land of fun, excitement, belonging, connection, relaxing and rewarding yourself. The only people who are ever bothered by you not drinking are the people who have an issue with alcohol themselves.

Milo on Coachella and Burning Man

The amazing thing is about a vehicle to drink. Even though I think 80% of the plans you pre planned with alcohol involved, 80% doesn't really happen. Half the time is wasted on doing something else other than the actual experience within the container itself.

Attachment and authenticity in recovery

The root of depression is social isolations, especially as you age, according to research. One of the pillars of sobriety is connection, and that we all have to have meaningful connection. The other important, vital human need we have is authenticity to be who we really are.

How Do You Give Advice?

How do you think about advice giving? We get lost through this drunk goggle phenomena, through alcohol. When we return to ourselves and we're connected to ourselves, we're capable of better discernment. Unsolicited advice is always going to fall on death ears. But if we seek advice and we can use our discernment, then it can be very helpful.

Exploring the Hard Stuff of Sobriety

The author says it all comes down to feeling empowered to tackle possibility of change. He didn't get sober on his own, but in the fellowship of AA. The motivation is really important, and it's pain.

What's Important Advice You've Been Given in Your Sobriety

Willingness and remaining teachable is probably some of the best advice I've got. Invest in the connections that matter to you, because those investments will pay off. One of the important life lessons that I've learned is to prioritize connection.

As a Teacher, What Lessons Have You Learned?

Have you learned any lessons, even now, from some of your clients and patients you worked with? What I want for the client is not always what the client wants for themselves. We can always learn something from our fellow humans who walk this path of life together.

The Work of Sobriety

Veronica: My biggest teachers are my children. Children come along to reflect back to you your own childhood wounds and give you an invitation to heal them. She says the work is a spiritual practice of revealing oneself to oneself. You have to confront your trauma for the cycle of healing to complete.

The Signposts of Failure in Your Life

I think we have a phobia of mistakes in our culture. My greatest achievement in my life is my family. Has the signposts of failure maybe screamed at you at times? How did you navigate the ebbs and flows?

Gen X vs Gen Z: The Attachment Process

In America, all it is about what college your child is going to get into. From that has come this not making mistakes and going back to what I was saying about how important the struggle is. 

Good enough parents are the best parents.

What Would You Talk About in Your TED Talk

Veronica, if you could give a two to three minute TED talk, how would you educate me about the science behind alcohol addictions? What I would talk about is emotional sobriety. Balancing your needs of. how I balance my needs today is very different to how I'll balance it on Thursday.

Willpower vs. Addiction

A lot of people still have this distorted belief that addiction is a matter of willpower. Addiction is a neurobiological disease. Everything is driven by emotions, which is going back to behavior patterns. It's very dangerous if society at large associates willpower and determinism with addiction.

In the Elevator With Sarah

Sobriety takes effort. Being hungover is really hard. To not do it is harder to live. Where can people check you out further, connect with you? Not just follow you, but ask you meaningful and engaging conversations.

A Week in the Life of Drinking

Benoit: You can get to the land of fun, excitement, belonging, connection, relaxing, rewarding yourself sober. Once you get there, all of that, everything is better sober. And I do feel like collective changes is effortful and takes time.