#143. Elise Micheals: Why Are Men Suffering Silently?

Why Don't Men Ask For Help?

This week on Discover More, Benoit Kim talks with men's coach Elise Michaels. Why men don't ask for help, how men are suffering silently as a result, and how to set healthy boundary setting. Discover More: What happens when you check all the boxes and still feel alone, purposeless or lost?

Why Men Don't Ask for Help

Our society stigmatizes men for seeking help like nothing else. But every great champion needs a coach. How do you approach someone who wants help but is grappling with fear of stigma and judgment?

How To Get Help From a Man

Many men issues come from a lack of parental attention from either the mother or the father. A lot of the men that I work with come from single mother households. How do you reframe their fear of stigma?

In the Elevator With Men

Most trauma is about lack thereof, trust. Trust is earned by safety. We have to rewrite an entire template that's been written for generations. It's harder and harder for men to find people they trust to share their vulnerable inside.

How To Establish Expectations For Your Clients

A lot of people suffer because they don't know how to ask for their own needs to be met. You have to help them recognize what is safe versus what is not safe. It's really about a self discovery journey.

"In a Relationship, You're Not Growing"

If you're not actively moving closer to your partner, by default, you're drifting away. People sometimes also do this where they just want to make their partner so happy. Like, you have to keep working on yourself.

The Most Common Problems Men Have In Relationships

Most problems I witness with the men I work with is really in relationships. The relationship skill sets that are placed on women are rejected for men. You have to wake up in your relationships to say what are the patterns that I'm gravitating towards. By not making a choice to change, you're changing regardless.

The Most Common Relationship Problems

Relationship is probably the biggest domain and pillar within the umbrella of life. How you deal with others is a reflections of how you deals with yourself. Men deeply desire to be loved. And they really want to find that person that they can show that to.

Why Men Are Afraid Of Intimacy

Men want nothing more in the world than intimacy. Not just sex, but it's the little things. Men don't necessarily know what true intimacy is. We are born into relationship. A lot of what we are is what we learn in society.

Toxic Masculinity: The Need to Be Labeled

There is no such thing as toxic masculinity, but what is toxic to masculinity? Once you label something in a box, the complexity diminishes. The biggest irony of the labeling culture is forgetting the most important label of humanity.

The Importance of Vulnerability in Your Work

When people are afraid to be vulnerable, it's really just a lack of trust in self. It comes down to, I think, a stable sense of identity. Women want a conscious partner who can open up to them. Change is literally the only constant.

The Reasons Men Run Away From Their Home

I enjoyed your Men and Work holism series on social media. Can you elaborate the relationship between men and their desire to escape and run away from their home life through work? People don't like to feel bad. We run awayfrom pain as opposed to running towards pleasure.

How to Stop Complacency in Your Life

When things are going well in my life, I sense myself a little bit more complacent. We have to rewire the part of you that says something bad has to happen. The goal is to keep the momentum going. If you feel like the underlying expectation is, because I feel good now, it's going to get bad.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

I think quantity is the most useless metrics to determine how quality a relationship is. We don't push ourselves to grow as much anymore. You should have big goals and big dreams, because the second that you stop growing yourself, you start dying.

In the Elevator With Rich Men

How do you find that balance between endless hustle versus finding what works for you based on your internal attunement? There's nothing wrong with nine to five. That's not the guaranteed pathway to happiness or success.

How to Find a Balance for Your Life

A lot of men like to work, but if they're not fulfilled in any other areas, of course you're going to get burnt out. Balance is not about life, work balance. It's about balance of the inner peace and balance of our health and well being.

On the Need for Control

Many men have developed skill sets that have helped them excel and exceed. We want to add skill sets in so that you can control it, so that it doesn't control you anymore. One of the biggest drawbacks of our men's biological structure is we just gravity towards control.

How do you approach the topic of control

How do you approach the topic of control? Because seeking help underlines relinquishing or letting go of control to a certain degree. And then also pointing out how the control is detrimental, which usually means taking on more responsibility than is yours.

In the Elevator With Coaching

I'm very big on the art of confrontation. I call out my clients all the time, of course, in a more gentle, loving way. The advice that I give them is all about the tool set and how to develop it. It's my eternal goal to make sure they do not need to rely on me.

When Is Therapy Appropriate?

I don't believe that therapy is a permanent solution. Every crisis, or every crisis presents an opportunity. People ask, how do I know? When is it enough? You know when you know, right?

What is the Appropriate Duration of Therapy?

Elise: What is the appropriate duration of therapy or life coaching? Elise: It should be every coaches and every teachers and every therapist's moral duty and responsibility to make sure that you don't have to see that person anymore. Post traumatic growth. When you face and confront your trauma with skill sets and appropriate timeline.

How to Work With Successful People

I have a lot of interest in systems and power dynamics. So I do only work with men clients. In the beginning I felt very insecure about the power dynamic until I started to recognize that I could help them too. If one thing that this interview reveals is you're a great coach.

The Real World of High-Profile Clients

So I would love for you, because you do work with high profile clients, can you paint a less rosier and more realistic picture of some of the realities that come with. There's different levels to different people. It's such a silent struggle that a lot of people just don't understand.

The Secret to Being Successful On Social Media

There's a difference between people who are in the public eye versus those who are successful kind of in the dark. When the eyes are on you, you do have to separate your like, I'm still authentic, but I can't show myself always. My ability to make content is a little more stressful.

PODCAST: Social Media

On a social media level, we're on a very different level. You're way bigger. Social media for podcasters is the avenue with the lowest ROI, the smallest conversion rate. My question is, what's your engagement rates? Who's actually listening in?

"I Should've Been Suspended"

Last week, I had a pretty stern conversation with a client. I got reported by a colleague for engaging in clinically inappropriate conversation. Let's extend a little bit more grace to other people because everyone's going through things. Why are we so judgmental?

The Importance of Boundary Setting

How do you contextualize boundary setting that's conducive for men's growth? Too much boundary is trauma armor, but too little boundary is inviting yourself for dangers and lack of safety. A healthy boundary is creating a healthy bridge to connect.

Both sides of the Victim Card

There is a difference between acknowledging that we are often victim to circumstances that's larger than us and playing a victim card. Having social network is not the same thing as having meaningful social network. It is your responsibility to come out of it because it's your life.

Better Man

Working with men has been the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. Finding what you're good at is the biggest genetic lottery. My goal is to make that a real movement for men, that they can feel better.

Discover More: With Elise

The best free growth strategy for podcast is sharing this episode with one friend. If you derive something more about from today's conversation with the amazing Elise, it's free for you, invaluable for me. As always, and as always, I hope you choose curiosity and love over fear.